LONDON—Facing disciplinary action for a severe breach of security protocols, HMP Wandsworth prison officer Gary Nolsen was suspended Tuesday after smuggling a Sur-Ron Light Bee X electric dirt bike into the facility by assuring checkpoint staff that the 110-pound vehicle was simply a “high-capacity disposable vape.”
According to internal reports, Nolsen arrived for his morning shift with the full-suspension off-road motorcycle draped casually over his shoulder, telling colleagues at the security scanner that the 60V lithium-ion battery pack was “just a new coils mod” he picked up to help him quit smoking.
“While we encourage staff to quit tobacco, we believe Officer Nolsen may have exploited our wellness policy to introduce a high-performance all-terrain vehicle into G-Wing,” said Prison Governor Ian Bouldsworth.
Bouldsworth noted that security footage shows Nolsen struggling to fit the bike’s 19-inch wheels through the metal detector while insisting the beeping was caused by the steel toe in his boots.
“In hindsight, the fact that he was revving the ‘vape’ and doing burnouts in the staff locker room should have been a red flag,” Bouldsworth admitted.
Witnesses confirm that once inside, Nolsen delivered the bike to inmate “Knuckles” McGinty, who had reportedly requested the vehicle to help cut down his commute time from his cell to the shower block.
“It’s a big prison, and my knees aren’t what they used to be,” McGinty told reporters while performing a wheelie down the third-floor landing, narrowly missing a food trolley.
“Officer Nolsen is a top lad. He knew I needed a bit of torque to get up the stairs to the segregation unit. Plus, the acceleration is perfect for outrunning the sniffer dogs during surprise inspections.”
At press time, the Ministry of Justice had issued a new memorandum reminding Wandsworth staff that while smuggling in mobile phones and SIM cards remains a standard part of the job, bringing in any vehicle capable of going 0-to-30 in 4 seconds requires a valid MOT certificate.
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